While I could certainly fill many a blog post with stories about “just the cutest thing ever” that Annabelle did today, I know that, grandparents aside, no one would find that a particularly good read. I get it. Even her grandparents’ eyes start to glaze over after about the fifteenth time she sings the alphabet for them.
So I decided it would instead be more entertaining for you if I jotted down some of MY less-than-cute moments. All parents know the moments that I’m talking about, right? You know when, seemingly out of nowhere, something kooky happens and you find yourself looking around because you’re pretty sure you’re on a hidden camera show? Yeah, those moments.
While I could probably go on for a while embarrassing myself, I decided instead to keep some of my dignity and narrow it down to my top-ten-super-awkward-mommy-moments, David Letterman style. Some are silly, some are blush-worthy and some are honestly, pretty gross. So without further ado, here they are…
10. While cooking chicken for dinner, I set off the smoke alarm. (Not particularly shocking.) Annabelle is of course scared out of her little mind, so I scoop her up and start waving a dishtowel around frantically until the screeching stops. When Mike comes home a little while later I have successfully aired out the house by opening a window. Annabelle immediately runs to him. As he carries her upstairs with him I hear her telling him, “Mommy! A big noise! BIG NOISE!” and I know without looking that the little stink is pointing to the smoke alarm. As they climb the stairs I hear Mike say to her, “Oh, mommy set off the smoke alarm? You know Annabelle, nobody likes a tattletale.”
9. After almost a full day of running around with Annabelle, I notice that her dress is on backwards and apparently has been all day.
8. About a week after Mike and I have our annual Christmas party, I am playing on the floor in the den with a five-month-old Annabelle when I notice something red under the couch. Thinking it’s one of her toys I reached under the sofa and pull out…. a red plastic plate that we had used for appetizers at our party. The little plate, covered in dried basil and parmesan dip squints at me, blinking in the light, as if to say, “I was wondering how long it would take you to find me.” I felt a little faint with embarrassment and disgust, even though no one but Annabelle was around to witness the moment, and this time she was too little to tell on me. The fact that there were no bugs was a miracle unto itself. Perhaps even they were too disgusted to come over. These are the moments when I wonder, “What the HELL is going on!? How could a plate WITH FOOD live under my couch for a week without my finding it! Who AM I!?” When I shared this story with some of my girlfriends, mamas themselves, they lovingly threatened to write dates on paper plates and hide them around my house to see how long it would take me to find them. The fact that I have yet to find one in no way guarantees that they didn’t do it.
7. I’m happily (and loudly) singing along to Annabelle’s CD in the car, hand motions and all, for a good ten minutes before I remember that Annabelle is at home with my mom and I am beeping the horn on the bus all by myself. Apparently it is possible to blush even when alone.
6. Annabelle is about five months old, and we are in the restroom of a Babies ‘R Us. She’s on the changing table squirming like a fish as I struggle to get her diaper on. I’m sweating by the time I’ve finally gotten it secure, when a woman leans over and whispers to me, “Excuse me, but your daughter is eating the A&D ointment.” Sure enough I look up to see her sucking on the tube like it’s a lollipop. Awesome.
5. In Annabelle’s music class, you have to take your shoes off before going into the room. The class is halfway over when I look down and realize I have two different colored socks on. My friend notices and tells me “Don’t worry, that’s not a dressing problem, that’s a folding problem.” Is that better?
4. After leaving the restroom at Macy’s, Annabelle starts clapping and cheering at the top of her little lungs for me as we make our way through the mall. “Mommy pee-pee potty! Good job, Mommy! GOOD JOB!” She was so genuinely proud of me, it was hard to be really embarrassed. But, yes, people were looking.
3. Annabelle and I are in the diner with my girlfriend and her two kids. Annabelle’s attempting to grab everything in sight, so when she reaches for the little bowl of half and half containers, I let her have one, thinking it will be something harmless to keep her happy for a few moments. Less than three seconds later she takes the little plastic container and bites down on it …until half and half explodes all over both of us. Lesson learned.
2. This embarrassing moment was actually narrowly missed, although the “what if’s” still haunt me. Annabelle is about two months old and I am just about to hit send and email out a Snapfish photo album of her, when I decide to take one last look at the adorable pictures before sending them. When I do, I realize in shaky horror that in about FIVE of them, although the subject of the photo is most certainly a sweetly smiling Annabelle, there is my just-nursed-from bare boob hanging out in the upper-left-hand-corner for all recipients to see. I still break out in a cold sweet when I think about what would have happened if I hadn’t taken one last look through. I don’t think I would have ever been able to look my father-in-law in the eye again.
1. While driving in the car with Mike I notice that he has a little something in his nose, so I, ummm, reach over and take it out. He looks at me like I’ve grown another head. “What are you doing?” he asks. “You had something in your nose,” I reply, thinking, isn’t it obvious? He doesn’t blink. “You know, you could have just told me.” AH, right. I’d become so used to picking and wiping and cleaning up after Annabelle that for a moment I’d forgotten that my husband can indeed handle his own nose. Point taken and remembered.
So there you have it, my top ten embarrassing mommy moment. Ok, now your turn to share…GO!